Last time I saw him we stayed there the whole week. We spent a fortune of course. This was last year in October. When we arrived from that empowerment and retreat we began to have a horrible crisis; it was the beginning of our doubts. During the teachings he was constantly coughing and I saw him rather weak. The last day he was supposed to say some words but he didn’t, it was Dekyong the one who spoke on his behalf when the theatre play finished. We were told that that was going to be his last appearance in public.
We were told forever.
Two months later I went to another empowerment and some monks with tears in their eyes made people to sign on a piece of paper a document asking Gyatso to come back. It was a kind of petition. I remember that it was Kelsang Rabjob the one who burst into tears.
People began to sign the document. We didn’t sign. In that empowerment I learned about lots of people, especially two women who said they had been harassed because of the hard work they had to do and the bad treatment. What I really think is that these guys are hiding something. Imagine the moment someone spill the beans …
The last retreat we had with the Kadampas was before the summer and this was when we decided to leave the organization. This time the teachings were performed by an English monk, quite ill too. His teachings were not well understood by people attending this retreat. We began to hear complaints coming from some guys who said that they couldn’t understand a word. I then asked Kelsang […] if he knew something about Gyatso and he said to me that he had said goodbye forever.
I think that if hypothetically he is dead only some, the chosen ones, know it but I cannot tell you because I don’t know. I only told you what I lived in my last empowerments. That was definitely his last appearance as they told us.
I sometimes wonder if all those empowerments during all those years were real empowerments. As a matter of fact Gyatso broke a very important lineage.
For the opening of the second centre in Madrid, the premises cost nearly a million Euros – I know the price they paid because someone told me. We spent 30,000 Euros in three years. Empowerments, journeys, books, Sadhanas, CDs, courses, donations etc etc. They told us that going to Brazil was very auspicious. We were totally brainwashed. Remember that they made us believe that Gyatso was a Buddha, the emanation of Je Tsongkhapa.
We did everything for Gyatso, everything in our hands. I know a couple who sold their flat to cross the ocean to see him. They live in a rented flat now. I still feel embarrassed about the money I spent. I have never told my family these things …
Unfortunately we have lost wonderful friends. They believe in all this bloody stupid thing of Shugden, they say that it’s an emanation of Wisdom Buddha and all that stuff. They cannot see what there is behind all that. I only hope people to realize but to be honest I think that is extremely difficult. In this life you have to stop one day and to question what you are doing. I believe in the Three Jewels but I don’t believe in a crazy monk, monks who go to demonstration like if they were Nazis, manipulative People who say they are Sangha etc etc.
Can you believe that I am meditating more right now than in my years with the NKT?
In my years with the NKT we used to have hundreds of teachings, some of them by unqualified teachers. Those “teachers” were students who two hours earlier they had prepared the lesson. They used to read from the books, especially modern Buddhism. I would also like to say that I don’t bear a grudge to Gyatso. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him or any person. I will pray … Praying is just a comfort for me right now. You see … Whenever I see a baby or an old person or someone in need here in the city where I live, I always whisper, Om tare tutare ture soha. I know that Tara will be always there helping everybody.